Journal 48 - Bastard Time and Pocketguns

I know that time is slow and methodical in its
patient countdown of life but does it have to be so loud?
I don't hear my heart pounding against the wooden slats
of my wooden floor but I hear my 2-year-old crying
tomorrow morning for lack of something incommunicable.
Incommunicable desires are like incommunicable distant
attributes of God.  This person and that person each has
his own table of what is incommunicable and what is
merely confusing. I'm confused by the blueness of the
nitrogen molecules in the daytime sky. I'm confused by
the splashes of paint on Pollock's universally praised
masterworks. I'm confused by the sudden need to
stand up and pee. Apparently my body suffers from
involuntary procrastination - quite independent of my
willing indolent mind. I'm not sure that my dreams
are meeting their minimum potential; I don't wake
up thinking, 'Wow I must tell someone what I just
dreamed!' I just look at my wife and say, Hey.
Books aren't alive but they mock in their colorful
stoic stance of ridicule. I imagine myself as a
rock star sometimes; Einstein imagined himself as
a photon spinning around a neutron - we can see who
made a bigger footprint on this large discombobulated
world of streets and markets. The laughter of the kid
in Korea makes the tide rise a half an inch on the
East coast drowning my beach towel before I can
save it. Bastard. Laughter is not overrated until
it gets you stabbed in the heart in a dark bar at
3 in the morning forcing your fiancee with the
irreconcilable decision to leave or stay with this
new person created from the blood's reconfigured
path after suffering the blunt rusty blade of the
pocket knife. I worry that knives are created to
be carried in pockets in the workplace. You never
hear of pocketguns. Of course bullets with their
artificial acceleration carry more force than the
manual knife. I think there are more knives to
enter the body than the metal flat sharp kind -
some reside in rolled paper, others in bulbous glasses.

5.10.09